The Alchemist

Dave Fuller gives us a wonderfully amusing semi-script of a ST:TNG episode written as if by Dr. Seuss. Here’s an excerpt:

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t, We can’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t, The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Click here for the rest…

This is ingenious! I’m actually inspired to possibly attempt one for Batman…

Well, I’m fairly breathless. Today marks the first time I’ve been offered a paid part in a musical theatre production at an Equity theatre!!

Remember waaaaaaaaaay back in February when I auditioned for Forever Plaid? Sure you do. And you probably remember that I didn’t get a part in that show. So, like any good actor I went to therapy instead.

Ah! But, that’s not the end of the story. The show never happened! No, instead, it was pushed off in favor of a series of other shows put on by the new Actor’s Theatre of Indiana… at least until now. The show has now been scheduled for a run starting December 21 so I auditioned for the show again today with the producing director of ATI, Don Farrell (a really great guy, by the way!).

Ok… well, you know by now that I got a part or I wouldn’t be going on like this, right? And you are right! Don gave me a call just a little while ago and offered me the part of Smudge! He’s the neurotic bass of the group (Smudge, not Don!).

And once again… oh my… what have I got myself into? I thought the 4 week schedule for Three Guys Naked From the Waist Down was aggressive. Guess what? We have two-week rehearsal schedule Forever Plaid! Now I’m going to find out how a true professional production gets done. Wheee!

So start saving your nickels, my friends! I want to see all of you there! (And don’t worry, I’m going to work hard to make sure it’s worth every penny!) It’s gonna be a great show!

Ever passed out from pain? Me neither. Well, not until this morning anyway…

About a week ago, I was at the gym lifting weights and had my upper back / shoulder area seize up on me. I quit immediately and went home. It was painful, but manageable and within a few days I was able to get back into the gym and (carefully) begin lifting again without a problem.

I guess I was a bit tired last night, though… I was starting my second set of exercises with a bench press (on a machine, not free weights, thankfully!) and my shoulder seized up again. You wouldn’t believe how fast I dropped the weight! Of course, by that time the damage was already done. So I again quit my workout immediately and headed home. I had no more problems that night than just being sore, so I figured I was in decent shape.

Enter this morning: I couldn’t move without extreme pain. I couldn’t turn my head. I finally barely managed to sit up on the side of the bed with a great deal of effort… and then found I couldn’t move any farther. I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t lay back down, and it hurt to do nothing as well! So I sat there for a few minutes wondering just what I was going to do. Amy grabbed me a couple of Ibuprofen which I quickly swallowed with a glass of water. Seconds later I felt myself go cold. Darkness closed in.

Next thing I remember, I was lying on my back on the bed staring up at the ceiling. Apparently I had passed out and been lying there (with my eyes open) for a couple of minutes and scaring Amy to death. So she was now on the cell phone talking to the 911 operator and calling for an ambulance. I was still pretty much immobile… but the pain was somewhat better now that I was lying down again, so I was quite content to stay that way.

Not long after, the EMTs arrived. Nice folks. So they hooked me up to all sorts of fun equipment and tracked my vitals. Pulse? Fine. Blood pressure? Fine. They stuck me and checked my blood sugar. Fine. Attached all the EKG stuff. They couldn’t get a good reading, though, so they shaved my chest in a number of spots (sigh) and tried again. I guess that worked, though, and they told me it was fine. Nevertheless, they encouraged me to come for a ride to the hospital with them. I agreed.

So, with their help, I managed to get up and stumble down the stairs to the gurney waiting at the bottom. They strapped me in and we headed out to the ambulance. During the trip out I was thinking things like: “Boy, I’m glad it isn’t cold!” (I was wearing only my boxer shorts.) And, “Gee, I wonder what the neighbors are thinking?” And, “Ow! It really hurts when they bump you around like that!” And, “Cool, I’ve never ridden in an ambulance before!”

Later, at the hospital (I’m skipping the ambulance ride as it really wasn’t all that cool), I found out that the ambulance is the only way to arrive! Normally you get to the emergency room and they offer to let you sit in their nice comfy waiting room for a long, but quite indeterminate amount of time while they consider what to do with you. (I imagine if you had a gunshot wound or something major like that this would probably vary, but I haven’t had that experience.) Anyway, I immediately was put into a “room” by the EMTs and had nurses tend to me nearly immediately! Wow. First class treatment!

So… nearly all the tests were done once again (can’t trust the EMTs’ tests, I suppose) and they added a few new ones like general blood-work and some sort of chest x-ray. All negative for anything nasty (although I have slightly elevated levels of Creatine - an unrelated thing). So the doctor proclaimed that I had fallen victim to some blah-blah-blah thingy that I really can’t remember the name of, but is apparently related to the same causes of fainting for folks under a lot of stress including the sight of blood, standing at attention too long, singing in a choral group (which I have personally seen, btw), etc. So… innocuous. Oh well. So, the doctor proclaimed the problem to be a muscular-skeletal issue (surprise, surprise). The good news, though, is that they gave me some good drugs to help deal with the muscles and pain while I heal up.

So… to wrap things up, I’m apparently pretty damn healthy… but I’m still in pain and will likely be for a couple of days. But, I got some good drugs to take in the mean time. But, I can’t go work out for probably at least week. And I had to shave my chest because having patches of missing hair is just weird. Then again, now having a chest shaved bare seems pretty weird, too. And I’m guessing I have some serious itching to look forward to!

And that, my friends, has been my day! So how was yours?

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Now, if I could just get more of my friends and family to switch, the world would be a happier place. Well, they would be happier anyway…

Now this is sooooo very cool! Hot on the tails of my inaugural film role in Open Mic’rs, I’ve been cast in a new fan film being done by Chris Allen of Racso Motion Pictures fame. The film is Star Trek VS Batman and yours truly will be playing the role Bruce Wayne/Batman. The cast list has been posted online here and let me tell you, this will be a great cast to work with. We met for the first read-through yesterday afternoon and had an absolute blast! We had to stop several times because we were laughing so hard.

A funny script (everything is based on the 1960’s shows), a great cast, a wonderful director… and, of course, a unique chance to play the caped crusader (Adam West-style)! I’m totally digging this and can’t wait to get going!

Thanks, Chris!

From Annanova:

Designer creates wall of breasts

A Dutch designer has created a wall of fake breasts to help male shoppers buy bras that fit their wives or girlfriends.

Wendy Rameckers works at the Piet Zwart Institute for Retail and Design in Rotterdam, reports Het Nieuwsblad.

“Most men have a selective memory,” she explained. “They know all about their car, but never seem to know their wife’s bra size.

“When trying to buy a sexy bra for their wife or girlfriend, usually they point to other women in the shop or, when asked about size, they say a ‘handful’.”

The wall consists of rows of silicon breasts in all sizes. By look and touch, male shoppers can work out the right size, she says.

I remember when I was a little kid being absolutely fascinated by the “drinking bird” that my grandma had at her house. When my family would go to visit, I would set it up and watch it dip it’s beak into the glass of water, flip back up, wobble a little bit and then slowly dip it’s beak back into the water. It provided hours (or maybe minutes, time is all relative for kids) of cheap entertainment. Now, of course, I know the science of how it works, but at the time it was pure magic!

So imagine my delight when I came across a link to an artist that has recreated these wonderful little scientific sculptures in giant size! Yes, these birds are over 6 feet tall! How cool is that?

Yup, I’m thinking lawn ornament!